Not Quite What I Was Planning Page 2
in many ways.
—Meghan DeRoma
I sell hamburgers,
and french fries.
—Richard Maurer
Coffee junkie journalist
seeks trendy nerd.
—Jackie Olson
Fight. like. hell.
for. the. living.
—Susie Bright
On her birthday, my life
began.
—Lisa Parrack
Xenophile escapist tumbleweed
globetrots, finds self.
—Dominic Arizona Bonuccelli
The shit invariably
hits the fan.
—Ashleea Nielsen
Blogging is easy.
Writing is hard.
—Jennifer Shreve
Quit Uni, have baby, now bored.
—Samantha Ng
I fell in love with Charlie.
—Kristine Allouchery
And he nerded
as never before.
—Jon Thysell
Iowa to Brooklyn,
hair growing everywhere.
—William Johnson
Fix a toilet, get paid crap.
—Jennifer James
Tow truck drivers
are my psychiatrists.
—Joanne McNeil
Should have used
condom that time.
—Rob Bigelow
Macular degeneration.
Didn’t see that coming.
—Ian Gould
Fifty years so far.
Happened fast.
—Mark Michaelson
Atheist plus Methodist make
Jewish children.
—Richard Michelson
Infinite calm beset with emotional
architecture.
—DJ Spooky
Won the fight;
lost the girl.
—Jim O’Grady
Near death experiences
are my forte.
—Anna Mauser-Martinez
Illustration by Josh Neufeld
Fight, work, persevere—
gain slight notoriety.
—Harvey Pekar
Lived in moment
until moment sucked.
—Janine Goss
She said nothing could go
wrong.
—Derek Powazek
Laughing until I pee my pants.
—Carolyn Waller
Go find your father; my life.
—Adam Danielson
Life goal:
Maximum results, minimal effort.
—Phil Kahn
Clawed my way out of Tennessee.
—Nae Shell
Quite undecided, yet hopefully
unsatisfied, generally.
—Daniel Gumbiner
Took a spectacle, made
it sport.
—Dana White
Slightly psychotic,
in a good way.
—Patricia Neelty
She walked barefoot
in wet cement.
—Michelle Pinchev
As a child, nomadic. Now static.
—Kristin Gotski
Mushrooms.
Clowns.
Wands.
Five.
Wig.
Thatched.
—Amy Sedaris
Found true love after
nine months.
—Jody Smith
Hillbilly does right
by his teeth.
—Jason Snyder
No words can describe my life.
—John Baldridge
Afraid of everything.
Did it anyway.
—Ayse Erginer
On the playground, alone.
1970, today.
—Charles Warren
I wrote it all down somewhere.
—Ben Greenman
Inside suburban mom
beats urban hear t.
—Julie Goss
Missed Halley’s Comet.
Miss virginity too.
—Yoz Grahame
Not a good Christian,
but trying.
—Alexander Tsai
Red diaper baby, hippie,
bourgeoise adult.
—Adrienne Ross
Lost and found, rescued by dog.
—Gail Reilly
Afraid of becoming
like my mother.
—Jocelyn Pearce
Goodbye Fat Kim: I now live.
—Kim Kaufman
Two boys, my life,
conquering autism.
—Michelle DePasquale
Montana Jew—drives Toyota;
holsters pen.
—Michael Finkel
Illustration by Brian P. McEntree
What the hell.
Might as well.
—Nancy London
Hexed:
curse of the happy childhood.
—Cree McCree
Sometimes I’m crazy,
sometimes I’m sane.
—Bella Von Phul
Can’t tonight,
watching Law & Order.
—Rory Evans
Musician gone bad.
Darn law school!
—Stephen Adams
I take photographs. I see life.
—Daniel James
Hippie parents.
Early independence.
Surprising success.
—Darci Groves
My life’s a bunch of almosts.
—Shari Bonnin
Struggled with how
the mind works.
—Steven Pinker
It’s not you. It’s me. Honest.
—Allison Glock
Brought it to a boil, often.
—Mario Batali
Scribbling twit dreaming
lit every minute.
—Jamie Grove
Thought I would have
more impact.
—Kevin Clark
This is aggression in
pink, Mom.
—Nicole Tourtelot
Graduated May.
21 June.
Married July.
—Amara Rockar
Oh, to have just one puff!
—Suhana Selamat
Bad reputation,
such a good girl.
—Erin Oldroyd
Mom left. Returned! Left.
Reconciliation! Cancer.
—Kelly Streit
Laughing intellectual
ronin danced,
unlearning lies.
—Tom Buckner
At the end of normal street.
—Tracey Morgan
Found great happiness in
insignificant details.
—Alisdair McDiarmid
Spent life looking
for dead people.
—Melody Lassalle
Forty Five.
Never Married.
Oh poo.
—Sonia Oney
Enjoying my fuck ups too much.
—Susan Crippin
My reach always
exceeds my grasp.
—Ray Garraud
Marked time till 55,
reborn thereafter.
—Doug Fraser
Details.
I really hate
drawing backgrounds.
—Starline Hodge
Four children in four decades;
whew!
—Loretta Serrano
An unusual turn of
gender circumstances.
—Dragana Varadinac
Hiding in apartment knitting
against depression.
—Laurie White
She kissed me and said yes!
—Ricardo Saramago
Dabbler in much, expert in none.
—Joan Cady
Once wed,
twice loved,
past prime.
—
Betty Black
Grading AP essays,
I crave Tolstoy.
—Carinna Tarvin
Always dreamt of kissing pretty girls.
—Jessica Furey
I lost god. I found myself.
—Joe Kimmel
Everyone who loved me is dead.
—Ellen Fanning
It was embarrassing,
so don’t ask.
—Alex Lindquist
Verbal hemophilia.
Why can’t I clot?
—Scott Mebus
Time to start over again,
again.
—Dan Petronelli
Always even keel
except when sailing.
—Maryann Pirrotta
Still lost on road less traveled.
—Joe Quesada
Over fifty, still a Boy Scout!
—Jerry Richstein
The car accident
changed my life.
—Kristin Stanefski
Said goodbye,
hasn’t shut up since.
—Michael Collins
Burned my bridges and
my britches.
—Dave Zablocki
Trains, planes, thumb;
then children come.
—Karen Franklin
Older now, I draw myself better.
—Peter Arkle
Batteries are cheap.
Who needs men?
—Rebecca McLenna
Clueless meets Ophelia,
without the suicide.
—Larisa Ballinger
Atheist alcoholic gets
sober through God.
—Bob Todd
Discovered moral code
via Judy Blume.
—Beth Greivel
Artsy married Fartsy,
has two kids.
—Mary Organ
Anything possible—but I was tired.
—Cheryl Family
I ate, drank, and was hairy.
—Yianni Varonis
Girlfriend is pregnant,
my husband said.
—Shonna MacDonald
I am awfully bored at work.
—Chris Ponchak
Learned reading, writing,
forgot arithmetic.
—Elizabeth Gruner
—Lauren Redniss
Trying to medicate my redneck past.
—Garrett Sparks
Lucky in love,
unlucky in metabolism.
—Leah Weathersby
I live the perfect
imperfect life.
—Paul Lore
Ate caterpillars.
Still won’t grow up.
—Chris Jackson
Wannabe heroine but
just Plain Jane.
—Tanya Holland
Civil servant answers phone after five.
—Jason Prince
Glass half full;
pockets half empty.
—Marina Guthrie
We undercover agents
need mental toughness.
—Joe Pistone
Rebel librarian on
sabbatical from boys.
—Heather Meagher
Arthur-ectomy taking years!
Beware: wed cautiously.
—Natalie Windsor
Woman Seeks Men—
High Pain Threshold.
—Yin Shih
No Wife.
No Kids.
No Problems.
—Rip Riley
You are all in my imagination.
—Becky Weinberg
School geek married a
luscious cheerleader.
—Christopher Clukey
I couldn’t protect me
from myself.
—Patrick Eleey
Eat mutate aura
amateur auteur true.
—Jonathan Lethem
Aspiring lady pirate, disillusioned,
sells boat.
—Diana White
Kentucky trash heap yields unexpected
flower.
—John Kurtz
Married for money.
Divorced for love.
—Rosie Abraham
My life is a beautiful
accident.
—J. D. Tenuta
Thank God I lived
through Vietnam.
—Captain John Irving
Meat and potatoes man
goes vegetarian.
—Perette Lawrence
Smart, tall, independent woman.
Men scarce.
—Annie Schmidt
I was and now I’m not.
—Gayla Buyukas
Oh sweet nectar of life, coffee.
—Daniel Axenty
Young, skinny, ridiculed.
Old, skinny, envied.
—Phil Sweet
No shit I’m critical—
you’re flawed.
—Elizabeth Koch
It’s pretty high. You go first.
—Alan Eagle
One tooth,
one cavity,
life’s cruel.
—John Bettencourt
In a Manolo world, I’m Keds.
—Colleen Cook
Lonely gay
hates work,
loves play.
—Ray Ivey
Wasn’t noticed so
I painted trains.
—Mare 139
Chinese immigrant loathing drama
in Anaheim.
—Eric Wong
Running away:
best decision I made.
—Stephen Elliott
I served my debt to society.
—Michael Frisch
Scarred by 9/11;
helped by penguins.
—Audrey Blackburn
Fleeting nights, cloudy mornings,
coffee’s ablution
—Heath Hardin
When she proposed, I said yes.
—Josh Neufeld
Black Latina. Slave ship stopped
everywhere.
—Veronica Chambers
My hear t is deaf,
head dumb.
—David Matthews
My first concert: Zappa. Explains
everything.
—Janet Tashjian
Nobody knows how
I have suffered.
—Tim Hall
Dweeb, pussy…stronger than
anyone knows.
—Jim S.
Wandering imagination
opens doors to paradise.
—Rebecca Perlstein
After eighteen years,
sold my book.
—Susan Runholt
Too many lovers—
too little time.
—Joel Kincaid
Confused Communist child,
enlightened American engineer.
—Attila Kalamar
Couldn’t cope so I wrote songs.
—Aimee Mann
Timid teacher takes
’tude from tykes.
—Kathy Gates
Angry guy gets law
license, sues.
—Bryan Gates
Long lost girl
recently found, unharmed.
—Tracy Bishop
Gave commencement address,
became sex columnist.
—Amy Sohn
3,000 miles away from
the truth.
—Michael Slenske
Mormon economist marries
feminist. Worlds collide.
—Michael McBride
Mormon feminist loves
husband, hates patriarchy.
—Caroline Kline
Followed dim shapes through
narcotic haze.
—John Law
Mom, Dad have dementia.
Got gun?
—Carol Belding
Born a twin, died a loner.
Young optimist:
proven wrong.
Prematurely old.
—Buzzy Porter
It was worth it, I think.
—Annette Laitinen
Students laughed appreciatively. The
professor relaxed.
—Laurie Hensley
Drink because I am a poet.
—Maria Essig
People always pronounce
my name incorrectly.
—Linnea Jimison
Dorothy Gale had the
right idea.
—Pamela Vissing
Dropped out, got
out, lucked out.
—Ben Kweller
Take a left turn, then fly.
—Hillary Carlip
I was never the pretty one.
—Joan Nesbit Mabe
Born at 23,
childhood doesn’t count.
—Krissy Karol
Perpetual work in
progress,
need editor.
—Sherry Fuqua-Gilson
Left Aruba for
Maryland.
Pretty dumb.
—Barbara Phillips-Seitz
I was the only planned
sibling.
—Mary Sebas
Age grows,
I’ve finally accepted me.
—Kate Mammolito
Paralyzed at fifty,
life still nifty.
—Gib Henderson
Snuggling, setups.
These are my specialties.
—Laura Cooper
Was big boy, now
little man.
—Chris Cooper
Lost Colorado wife.
Found Seattle life.
—Jason Cain
Ex-con making good
on lifestyle promise.
—Doug Houston
Canoe guide, only got lost once.
—Taylor Stump
Aging late bloomer
yearns for do-over.
—Sydney Zvara
American backbone,
Arab marrow,
much trouble.
—Rabih Alameddine