Not Quite What I Was Planning Read online

  Memory was my drug of

  choice.

  —Pea Hicks

  Liars, hysterectomy

  didn’t

  improve sex life!

  —Joan Rivers

  Mom, sorry I moved to U.S.

  —Yuri Fukazawa

  Unhappy joke writer

  hugs her chihuahua.

  —Jessica Salmonson

  Boys liked her.

  She preferred

  books.

  —Anneliese Cuttle

  Wife died young; on the mend.

  —Sumit Paul-Choudhury

  I’m ten, and have

  an additude.

  —Tillie Seger

  Gay physician designed

  life-saving AIDS drugs.

  —Laurent Fischer

  Never lived up to my potential.

  —Leslie Sterling

  Girl from Wisconsin

  got to leave.

  —Catherine Michalec

  Tequila. Amnesia. Coincidence?

  I think not.

  —Larry Caraviello

  Carbohydrates call my

  name every day.

  —Mary Petersdorf

  Never really finished

  anything, except cake.

  —Carletta Perkins

  Cursed with cancer.

  Blessed with friends.

  —Hannah Davies

  Crappy parents

  killed

  my self esteem.

  —Julie Doherty

  Lonely artist turned

  waitress in love.

  —Gretchen Bone

  Does my biological mother

  cry sometimes?

  —Steven Schmidt

  My life is just like yours.

  —Matt Stephens

  Some collect coins,

  I collect diplomas.

  —Srini Rajagopalan

  Bipolar at 12, lithium at 36.

  —Linda Hatfield-Southern

  Navy dependent writes

  American haiku poetry.

  —Craig Jones

  If Eliza Doolittle

  wore cowboy boots…

  —Dixie Friedman

  Ex-wife and contractor

  now have house.

  —Drew Peck

  Fifteen years since

  last professional

  haircut.

  —Dave Eggers

  Midlife crisis uncovers queer

  intellectual’s talent.

  —Donald W. Jacobson

  Fat jolly bearded origami-folding

  accountant.

  —Gary Mullings

  Lucky in everything

  else but love.

  —Eliot Sheridan

  Mixed blood.

  I am America’s future.

  —Holly Santiago

  I’m just here for the beer.

  —Alex Vournas

  With three cats

  I’m never unloved.

  —Cynthia Macdonald

  Missing limb,

  cruel world,

  love overcomes.

  —James Mallon

  Divorced twice,

  lived happily ever after.

  —Susan Guyaux

  Torrential tryst.

  Terrible twins.

  Tied tubes.

  —M. Brenner

  Can my words have

  footnotes, please?

  —Amy Harbottle

  So it goes,

  a tad askew.

  —Michael Dickter

  Alas, a farewell to legs. Next!

  —Allen Rucker

  Came, saw, conquered,

  had second thoughts.

  —Harold Ramis

  Left a desert for a

  wasteland.

  —James Slone

  City streets,

  saggy shoes,

  and poetry.

  —Arianna Kandell

  The weather is better up

  here.

  —Brad Wieners

  Beat death thrice.

  Still not religious.

  —Shan Palmer

  Found love.

  Got hitched in Vegas.

  —Jami Brandli

  Baby dyke now raising

  two babies.

  —Andrea Selch

  Stoned. Boned.

  Where am I now?

  —Sherry Levy

  New Jersey to California.

  Thank God.

  —Ayelet Waldman

  Town car,

  tailored suit,

  dirty nails.

  —Nicole Blades

  Bipolar secretary

  girlfriend mama hen

  oddball.

  —Teressa Fly

  Learning to be great

  at mediocrity.

  —Christopher Reiger

  Jewfro and glasses,

  laughter and yoga.

  —Deborah Greene

  I fell far from the tree.

  —Rebecca Stadolnik

  The image was large with silence.

  —Elizabeth Raab

  Chinese? American?

  Chinese-American?

  The confusion endures.

  —Paul Chin

  After your jump,

  the net appears.

  —Vincent Lauria

  Talkative female Trekkie

  married male gamer.

  —Sarah Hairston

  I colored outside of the lines.

  —Jacob Thomas

  Without me, it is

  just aweso.

  —Chris Madigan

  Me: consistently avoiding

  death since 1978!

  —Daniel Fowlkes

  I think, therefore I am bald.

  —Dickie Widjaja

  Should not have eaten

  those mushrooms.

  —Emilie Raguso

  Wanked furiously.

  Married. Furious no more.

  —John Heppolette

  Wealthy woman

  escapes

  with handsome

  mailman.

  —April Shewan

  IBM brat broke back;

  twins, Mac.

  —John Hockenberry

  Love annihilated a

  thirty-year age difference.

  —Betsy Smith

  Saw, interpreted, mourned,

  hoped, then preached.

  —Douglas Rushkoff

  Even the quietest

  sounds

  make noise.

  —Paul Boggan

  I grew up in a cemetery.

  —Rachael Hanel

  Many hands have kept me

  afloat.

  —Nick Flynn

  Man of the world = alien immigrant.

  —Rajat Suri

  Ran away with

  circus; never

  returned.

  —Ellia Bisker

  I managed not to

  destroy anything.

  —Tucker Frazier

  All of my students hate me.

  —Sharon Fishfeld

  Gay white African

  emigrates, finds love.

  —Graham Coppin

  ABCs

  MTV

  SATs

  THC

  IRA

  NPR.

  —Jancee Dunn

  Buxom songstress loves love

  and chocolate.

  —Angie Arnold

  Blade cuts,

  blood runs,

  scars remain.

  —Heather Hudgins

  Did I miss a deadline again?

  —Bruce McGill

  Walking the green mile:

  finally free.

  —Alejandro Echeverra

  Redhead woman,

  raucous curves,

  makes music.

  —Shannon Russell

  —Katherine Streeter

  Love drama,

  just not my own.

  —Sam Zalutsky
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  I wouldn’t change it a bit.

  —Ann Paxton

  Saw the

  world; now

  where’s home?

  —Hannah Silverstein

  Nose broken, beauty queen

  changes profession.

  —Dan Rubin

  Nineteen forty-nine to two

  thousand…something.

  —Anne Greer

  Blinked! Winked!

  I am halfway through!

  —Vinod Pillai

  Arms: full. Life: not so much.

  —Renee James

  Quietly

  cultivating my

  inner Lynda Carter.

  —Joanna Sheehan

  Many risky mistakes,

  very few regrets.

  —Richard Schnedl

  Six kids; life stranger than fiction!

  —Deborah Carson

  He left me for good eventually.

  —Audrie Lawrence

  Liberal at 18.

  Conservative by 40.

  —Pat Ryan

  Would you like fries

  with that?

  —Scott Northrup

  I won Miss Union

  Pier 1952.

  —Elaine Yonover

  Legs spread,

  I withheld my

  intelligence.

  —Christine Granados

  Next time—

  better parents, better hair.

  —Ruth Romano

  Little bit Lucy,

  tempered by Ethel.

  —Tami Maus

  Traversing Earth together,

  chasing elusive answers.

  —Paul Barber

  Considered life, then death.

  Step, repeat.

  —Paul Pope

  Hockey is not just for boys.

  —Alexandra Duplin

  Artist, disabled.

  Feeling mislabeled.

  Ambitions tabled.

  —Patrick Dentinger

  Fell in love. Married.

  Divorced. Repeat.

  —Lori McLeese

  Never liked the taste

  of beets.

  —Michael Pemberton

  Underachieving

  pleasure punk seeks

  constant gratification.

  —Dennis Elj

  Always working on

  the next chapter.

  —Milan Pham

  Business school? Bah!

  Pop music? Hurrah!

  —Max Robins

  Happy now that I know myself.

  —Anne Maiwald

  Polka-dotted mayhem

  and decadent disasters.

  —Candace Locklear

  Beach mama blissfully buoys

  burgeoning brood.

  —Elizabeth Barr

  Risked it all;

  wasn’t quite enough.

  —Greta Orris

  I write because I can’t

  sleep.

  —Ben Mezrich

  Sperm too potent,

  now have triplets.

  —Renee Schunk

  Never fear.

  Truffle season is near.

  —Barry Glassner

  Yes, you can edit

  this biography.

  —Jimmy Wales

  The best hair, the worst

  shpilkes.

  —Joanna Arkans

  Katie 180, you make

  my heart crazy.

  —John Patrick Zito

  Started

  small,

  grew,

  peaked,

  shrunk,

  vanished.

  —George Saunders

  My daughter’s baby,

  inconvenient and incredible.

  —Laurie White

  Mom blames musical theater.

  I disagree.

  —Dan Sigale

  Insubordinate alien bookworm found

  America, freedom.

  —Katherine Scourtes

  Big, little sister,

  stuck in middle.

  —Joanna Lilly

  Short kid moves West;

  climbs mountains.

  —Mark Lilly

  Multiple miscarriages.

  Cousin will carry baby.

  —Joanna Brody

  Alone at home, cat on lap.

  —Christopher Goldthwaite

  Poet locked

  in body

  of contractor.

  —Marilyn Hencken

  And I never did sober up.

  —Ray Overfield

  Three marriages.

  Thirteen novels.

  Sleep’s overrated.

  —Jane Heller

  World backpacking decade

  ends with minivan.

  —Cindi Hounton

  Educated too much,

  lived too little.

  —Dan Vance

  Lapsed Catholic;

  failed poet;

  unpublished prayers.

  —Marc Sheehan

  Twin girls,

  double dates,

  husbands confused.

  —Naomi Beth Wakan

  Went long on ride

  toward Providence.

  —Bill Buck

  —Gretchen Vitamvas

  Overjoyed I’m not like

  my sister.

  —Elizabeth DeLamater

  Little German girl,

  big American world.

  —Lisa Turner

  Hope my obituary spells

  “debonair” correctly.

  —Gregg Easterbrook

  Just in:

  boyfriend’s gay.

  Merry Christmas.

  —Seshie Hargett

  Traded mastheads for

  Texas desert sky.

  —Whitney Joiner

  Lucky sperm club entrant

  wins life.

  —Steve Conlin

  Was father, boys died,

  still sad.

  —Ronald Zalewski

  Tried everything once,

  few things twice.

  —Ed Zevetski

  Baptist Mom. Jewish Dad. Atheist.

  Surprised?

  —Sara Faith Alterman

  Cheated organizational

  systems but never people.

  —Ryan Bright

  Asked and

  answered,

  asshole,

  next question.

  —Joe Lockhart

  Really, doing fine,

  thanks for asking.

  —Fuzzy Gerdes

  I’d rather be watching a movie.

  —Lawrence Levi

  Never could resist overachieving.

  —Chris Harris

  Her blue eyes

  capture the distance.

  —Sonya Cheuse

  Born with glaucoma…

  fading to black…

  —Susan Giusto

  I watched a lot of television.

  —Adam Hirsch

  Oh shit! No way? Yeah

  dude.

  —Ned Vizzini

  Girls from the Bronx are

  different.

  —Arielle Basch

  Five feet, but in

  your face.

  —Toby Berry

  Born bald. Grew hair.

  Bald again.

  —A. J. Jacobs

  Mistook streetlight for

  the moon. Climbed.

  —Zack Wentz

  Boyfriend in bed,

  still a lesbian?

  —Cheryl Burke

  I wrote a book about

  this.

  —Vittorio Giannini

  Wanted to live forever,

  died trying.

  —Syona Luciferina

  Hugged some trees,

  then burned them.

  —Tom Price

  Happy child,

  wild teenager,

  adult anarchist.

  —Dar Wolnik

  Right place,
<
br />   right time,

  good lawyer.

  —Ben Brown

  To paraphrase William

  Faulkner: I endured.

  —Don Willmott

  To make a long story short…

  —Jace Albao

  Famished, I had

  seconds…

  and thirds.

  —Richard Strager

  Lazy Renaissance man

  settles for dilettantism.

  —Bradley Lyons

  Raised a palimpsest,

  by many voices.

  —Saba Cambone

  Arab hillbilly goes to New

  York.

  —Alex Cummings

  Full life; impossible to

  summarize in

  —Matt Love

  Was rebellious teen.

  Now raising one.

  —Michelle Ganon

  I have not done it all.

  —Aaron Knoll

  Woke up,

  fell down,

  exited sideways.

  —Jim Clupper

  A new memoir every five years.

  —Srini Rajagopalan

  My second grade teacher

  was right.

  —Janelle Brown

  Rather sing than stay to chat.

  —Keri Willson

  Someone had to pay the bills.

  —David Kuizenga

  Didn’t fit in then;

  still don’t.

  —Bob Fingerman

  I love my lady…and

  bacon.

  —Jeff Walton

  Buried gold long ago.

  Can’t find.

  —Maureen Barnes

  Later-life serendipity

  led to Authorland.

  —Jeff Schult

  A man, a plan, hot damn.

  —L. Levyne

  Revenge is living well,

  without you.

  —Joyce Carol Oates

  I forgot I have memory loss.

  —Mary Hynes

  Underachieving…but willing to

  overcompensate halfheartedly.

  —Frank J. Lepiane

  A Brooklyn lawyer.

  Sewer to Sue-er.

  —Mo Mann

  Outcast.

  Picked last.

  Surprised them all.

  —Rachel Pine