Not Quite What I Was Planning Page 4

  Country girl seeks,

  finds, abandons city.

  —Jenny Rose Ryan

  What did you say? I’m deaf.

  —Karen Putz

  Became my mother.

  Please shoot me.

  —Cynthia Kaplan

  Kinetosis, hemihypertrophy, testicular

  elephantiasis; pleasureboat recalcitrant.

  —Roderick Maclean

  Explained Hitler, Shakespeare.

  Couldn’t explain self.

  —Ron Rosenbaum

  If there’s more,

  I want it.

  —Alex Hart

  It’s like forever,

  only much shorter.

  —Pete DeVito

  God, grant me patience.

  Right now.

  —Michael Castleman

  Cancer for sure. Still no cure.

  —Jenn Siebel

  Relatively famous parents,

  very low self-esteem.

  —Molly Jong-Fast

  Pitched. Pitched. Pitched. Wrote.

  Revised. Revised.

  —Andrew Adam Newman

  Lazy programmer,

  ugly runner,

  NASCAR dad.

  —Frank Gilroy

  Woman with man’s name—

  thanks, parents!

  —Curtis Sittenfeld

  Born lucky, striving to die

  worthy.

  —Julia Carpenter

  Tequila made her

  clothes fall off.

  —Susanne Broderick

  After Manson,

  my life became dull.

  —Allan Sorensen

  I told you I was crazy.

  —Michaline Babich

  Topless dancer. Circus clown. Spy. Writer.

  —Susan DiRende

  Sometimes it rains.

  Sometimes I smile.

  —Peter Hermann

  I play dress-up for a living.

  —Melissa Nicholl

  Where the hell are

  my keys?

  —Brady Udall

  Bank robber,

  prison-humbled,

  confesses all.

  —Joe Loya

  Found transvestite

  hooker. Travis is pleased.

  —Larry Tewksbury

  She always wore socks to bed.

  —Myfanwy Collins

  Not as blond as I look.

  —Ellen Meister

  Often alone,

  office drone,

  feisty crone.

  —Patty Quickert

  Horny small-town boy

  becomes writer.

  —Kevin Sampsell

  I closely resemble

  my uncle Fred.

  —Brian Van Nieuwenhoven

  Well, I thought

  it was funny.

  —Stephen Colbert

  Strived to become

  everything I didn’t.

  —Richard Tomas

  Let’s just be friends,

  she said.

  —Mike Pfaffroth

  Happenstance, she thought—

  but maybe not.

  —Amelia Allard

  Chemistry? No. Law?

  No. Motherhood? Yes!

  —Anneliese Dickman

  I died at an early age.

  —John Coyne

  Lived like no tomorrow;

  tomorrow came.

  —C. C. Keiser

  Date with geek yields

  chip-filled life.

  —Robin Raskin

  I couldn’t possibly

  fuck him again.

  —Theodore Bouloukos

  Learned everything from

  words, pictures, love.

  —Dan Goldman

  This imperfect life,

  perfect for perfectionist.

  —Sarah Gardner

  Forgot to say I love her.

  —Omi Castanar

  Can’t read all the time.

  Bummer.

  —Rina Bander

  I wrote a poem.

  Nobody cared.

  —Joe Heaps Nelson

  Put whole self in, shook about.

  —Melissa Delzio

  Not quite what I was

  planning…

  —Summer Grimes

  From Colombia to Columbia:

  27 years.

  —Marisa Catalina Casey

  Mojo search resumes,

  impossible flowers bloom.

  —Nick Balaban

  I inhale battles.

  I exhale victories.

  —William Heath

  Working with what God gave me.

  —David Schmoyer

  Former band nerd

  dreams big dreams.

  —Jesse Poe

  Coffee. Coffee.

  Water. Water.

  Wine. Tea.

  —C. Hunter

  Southern queer teacher

  plays, sings, laughs.

  —Amanda Northrup

  Same Mistakes.

  Over and over again.

  —Matthew Oransky

  Still trying

  to impress my dad.

  —Shoshana Berger

  Hatless, shirtless,

  shitless. Still, I sang.

  —Scott Hartwich

  Girl loved Jesus.

  Girl loves boys.

  —Lindsay Robertson

  We were our own

  Springer episode.

  —Michelle Hoogerwerf

  …exalted philanderer of the

  English language…

  —Steven Ekstrom

  Laughter and inappropriate

  humor since 1985.

  —Annie Jacobson

  I am a cartwheel of mentorship.

  —Anne Asher

  Asked for love.

  Received confusion.

  Waiting.

  —Irina Kendall

  I always suffered

  fools fairly well.

  —Richard Ford

  I re-met Lori after 27 years.

  —Alan Weinkrantz

  So devastated, no babies for me.

  —Jennifer Faulkner

  Nobel dad; tough act to follow!

  —Andreas Wettstein

  Me: fully reformed and

  halfway happy.

  —Koren Zailckas

  Eat drink

  man man

  man man.

  —Michael Musto

  The day just kept

  getting better.

  —Jeff Cranmer

  Met lots of crazy famous

  people.

  —Jonathan van Meter

  Waited too long to get it.

  —Rhona Yolkut

  Took up photography.

  Got the shot.

  —Keith MacDonald

  Strange like cat.

  Smart like rat.

  —Andrew Randall

  I answer to the name Mom.

  —Lynne Chesterton

  Girls aren’t 6'; I am 5'12.

  —Marlee Sayen

  Born in city that

  doesn’t exist.

  —Jackie Delamatre

  Disco jeans, 1977:

  mine alone

  finally.

  —Susie Park

  Fact checker by day,

  liar by night.

  —Andy Young

  House of boarding passes,

  like cards.

  —Mike Kuniavsky

  Weird quiet girl

  fading from view.

  —Felicia Sullivan

  Four eyes are

  better than

  two.

  —Marissa Walsh

  Shot my penis in photo

  booth.

  —Jeffrey Zeldman

  After which he was never sane.

  —Aleksandar Hemon

  Gay Puerto Rican in

  straight clothing.

  —Ryan Roman

  Yes, singing
rocks,

  but money calls.

  —Jonathan Cogswell

  Almost nothing was

  under my control.

  —Joel Stein

  Sold clocks carved out of

  soap.

  —Aaron Fagan

  Learned. Forgot. Better

  off relearning anyway.

  —Brian DeLeeuw

  More broken bones

  than broken

  hearts.

  —Evan Rosler

  Suburban girl tries

  to make bad.

  —Sari Wilson

  Wife: one;

  Degrees: two;

  Arrests: seven.

  —Patrick J. Sauer

  Coulda, shoulda, woulda:

  a regretful life.

  —Joe Maida

  These sails have never

  settled long.

  —Justin Kownacki

  Let me in, you

  narrative whore.

  —C. McClosky

  Fearlessness is the

  mother of

  reinvention.

  —Arianna Huffington

  It got better after middle age.

  —Ruth Haworth

  God who? Oh, him. No

  thanks.

  —Carin Rhoden

  Seeking route,

  not sure of destination.

  —Gary Belsky

  Divorced! Thank God

  for Internet personals.

  —Maryrose Wood

  Cheese is

  the essence

  of life.

  —Mary Lynch

  I waste time looking for love.

  —Sean Gannett

  Vietnam Protests.

  Equality Protests.

  Disability Protests.

  —Ron Kendricks

  My family did not

  kill me.

  —David Sampliner

  Things happen because

  I see holes.

  —Susan Chi

  Serial missed

  connections

  end with you.

  —Liz Brown-Inz

  Born in California.

  Then nothing happened.

  —Mark Harris

  Named Hope. How else to be?

  —Hope Hall

  Straight jacket on

  the gentle cycle.

  —Stewart Rudy

  Love Brooklyn,

  but London still calls.

  —Sarah Butterworth

  Tickle, trample,

  come back for more.

  —Kathryn Waggener

  I still secretly read

  wedding magazines.

  —Lestlie Berryhill

  Asian, white trash Scranton.

  Let’s Polka.

  —Jeannie Lee

  Eat to live, live to eat.

  —Tim Toomey

  The freaks, they

  always find me.

  —Ginger Lime

  Wildly crooked,

  unlikely to be straightened.

  —lê thi diem thúy

  Got a pony, broke my arm.

  —Layne Bell

  Should have learned

  to count.

  —David Wheatley

  dam smart—

  never lerned to

  spel.

  —Rachel Ehrlich

  My ancestors were

  accented cow herders.

  —Nina Moog

  Filled blank spaces with ambitious

  endeavors.

  —Adam Schachner

  Gin joints. Love affairs.

  No relation.

  —Dean Ellis

  I traveled each

  and every highway.

  —Sebastian Buhai

  Widowed. Forging reluctantly

  forward with faith.

  —TerriAnn Ferren

  Still a very bad

  Mormon. Yay!

  —Marsha Brown

  This Tolstoy gets

  no Oprah promotion.

  —Victor Pelevin

  Political stance makes

  my family crazy.

  —Steve Collins

  Once was blind.

  Now I see.

  —David Hansen

  Good things happen

  to bad people.

  —Michael Malice

  Secret of life:

  marry an Italian.

  —Nora Ephron

  Slightly flabby,

  slightly fabulous,

  trying hard.

  —Amy Friedman

  Palindromic novels fall

  apart halfway through.

  —Chuck Clark

  Saw clearly after blind date. Marriage!

  —Saralee Rosenberg

  Thank god the suicide

  attempt failed.

  —Rhett Miller

  Made labor-saving software: thousands

  unemployed.

  —George Girton

  I hear nothing and see everyone.

  —Eunice Chang

  Secretly, I dream of

  my ex-boyfriend.

  —Rosally Sapla

  Unfortunately,

  there was no other way.

  —Atom Robinson

  A daydream, or so it seemed.

  —Eva Meszaros

  She danced, and

  did little else.

  —Sarah Cost

  Came out.

  Went in.

  Came out.

  —Earl Adams

  Only black girl.

  Fierce woman now.

  —Courtney Kemp Agboh

  My wife made me do it.

  —Jeffrey Yamaguchi

  Nature, nurture, lost, found, lost, found?

  —Sarah Saffian

  Other people’s trash:

  show and teller.

  —Jason Bitner

  —Barry Blitt

  Like an angel. The fallen kind.

  —Rick Bragg

  Full of tequila and bad ideas.

  —Buck Johnston

  Lived in America.

  Came back different.

  —Nigel French

  Lehmann-Haupt, yeah;

  not that one.

  —Rachel Lehmann-Haupt

  Expected prime rib;

  ended with hamburger.

  —Bernard Lam

  Drew on walls,

  creative for life.

  —DeAnna Sandoval

  Unborn baby,

  dancing belly,

  arriving soon.

  —Tami Piccione

  Watchful crooked girl:

  Comes with ink.

  —Erin Cressida Wilson

  Committed voluntarily,

  until trying to leave.

  —Michael Holland

  When all else fails, start

  running.

  —Dean Karnazes

  Carnivore and herbivore birth

  magical omnivore.

  —Morgan Spurlock

  Never going to

  have a dog.

  —Lily Redman

  Asked to quiet down; spoke

  louder.

  —Wendy Lee

  My computer screen tells it all.

  —James Browne

  Indelibly tenacious,

  I read and breed.

  —Shawna Lisk-Sprester

  Catholic girl. Jersey.

  It’s all true.

  —Mary Elizabeth Williams

  Don’t marry a lawyer, be one.

  —Deborah Schneider

  Still waiting for you to ask.

  —Alice Massey

  Ex-addict now addicted

  to book deals.

  —Susan Shapiro

  When talk matters,

  make it count.

  —Phil Liggett

  Love New York;

  Hate Self. (Equally.)

  —David Rakoff

  My penultimate act is to imbibe.

  —Alex Twersky<
br />
  Mmm, tea.

  So stereotypical.

  Rule Britannia!

  —Paul O’Brien

  Arty dad, rocker mom,

  crazy childhood.

  —Summer Pierre

  Ordering soup for two, for one.

  —Dan Silverman

  Still here despite

  logic and likelihood.

  —Elisha Marshall

  She read too much…

  into everything.

  —Jessica Reed

  Father, son, both hit by cars.

  —Gordon Hurd

  Women’s magazine

  employee now

  misogynist novelist.

  —Stephanie Lessing

  I didn’t skateboard

  nearly often enough.

  —Kevin Wilkins

  Internet famous,

  for what that’s worth.

  —Ron Hogan

  Sometimes at night I lay lonely.

  —Mark Jaynes

  Deported once,

  legal now—Green Card.

  —Michael Kaminer

  I didn’t walk off a roof.

  —Tobin Levy

  Say no now, I

  now know.

  —Steve Woodruff

  Left house one day

  for cigarettes.

  —Sheila Ryan

  What?

  Lemony Snicket?

  Lemony Snicket?

  What?

  —Daniel Handler

  Made some good choices,

  got lucky.

  —Matthew Kett

  Jew-born.

  Yeshiva-educated.

  Date goyim.

  —Abby Ellin

  Pop split; I write him in.

  —Sepideh Saremi

  True love was prevented

  by leprosy.

  —Peter Hayward

  Pay attention to

  me! Go away.

  —Kathy Rogers

  Big hair, big heart, big hurry.

  —Larry Smith

  Melancholy marvel at how

  everything connects.

  —Lawrence Weschler

  Climbing, porn, crack,

  science. Still bored.

  —Lenny Oliker

  I’m the fine

  print;